The Three Major Pitfalls In Relationships

Dear Friends!
We need relationships that are functional and flexible in  order to survive and thrive. Yet many of us struggle with  daily relationships-friends, coworkers as well as significant  others. We cannot insure our effectiveness in connecting with other people unless we are aware of the common pitfalls that  guarantee disappointment, isolation and loneliness. This newsletter highlights 3 Major Pitfalls in Relationships.

The 3 Major Pitfalls In  Relationships

1. ASSUMPTIONS- I've witnessed more misfires in  relationships with inaccurate expectations than any other  stumbling block. I once made a date to meet someone "next  Saturday" at 1:00 PM. He agreed. I showed up. He didn't. When I called to see what the problem was. He replied, "Oh, no problem. I didn't know you meant "this" Saturday. >From his map of the world, next Saturday was the second Saturday from the mid week time of our agreement. My expectation was that next Saturday was the first on the calender after we talked and contracted to meet.

I quickly learned that I needed to check and recheck dates and times, specifically, with all further efforts to connect with anyone in space and time. It would have been easy for me to be angry at him and help him, with the aid of websters dictionary, to define the word "next", but that would have gone nowhere and the relationship would have been scuttled in it's infancy. When we start "shoulding" on people an  assumption is probably in the mix- "She should have known better or he should have known what I meant". Assumptions that lurk in the waters unclaimed and undetected, that seemingly come from nowhere can surely sink a relationship. They are  like mines under the surface that blow up at work, in the neighborhood or on vacations.

Pitfall 2 And 3
2. CONTROL- When we attempt to control the  responses and behaviors of others, we usually set up  resistance. I've seen people go against their own values just  to resist the control of another.

I can remember, in my beneficence trying to teach my wife  something related to her personal business early on in our relationship. I was agonized at her painfully slow effort to complete her tasks in "my" time table and sequence. When we talked later on, she said she realized that she was dragging her feet because she felt like I was "bugging" her. We laugh about it now, but at the time I couldn't understand why she wasn't grateful for my expert tutelage. Fortunately, she reconstituted, got me out of the formula and successfully completed the project. When we get overly invested in others' life challenges, we're more a part of the problem than the  solution. Such controlling efforts will surely swamp any  relationship, leaving it without a course, rudderless and lost  in high seas.

3. REALITY DISTORTIONS- When we unconsciously misrepresent others, we can see the worst in normal circumstances, hear  what is not being said and miss what has actually occurred. We  twist what is into what isn't. We take data and make it into something else. We rationalize peoples' shortcomings or see "bad" things where virtue may lie. We react without critical reflection. You've probably known people who over react in the  absence of evidence to justify the magnitude and toxicity of  their response. Examples are the "isms" such as sexism, racism ageism. The "isms" are the extremes of reality distortion- holding others in contempt out of prejudice. Rumor and gossip are socially acceptable forms of reality distortion where  truth is devalued and fantasies go unchallenged. Many have  been keel hauled around the water cooler at the office.

I'm painfully aware that I have many prejudices, beliefs that keep me afraid and separate from others. I can remember starting a self help group in Los Angeles with my friend  Larry, who was from another race than me, called "Racism and Sexism Anonymous". The purpose was for members to come and  reduce their own prejudices. I shared my story in the first meeting, about my sexism and racism. The people who attended  represented many races and creeds. I can remember feeling anxious, not knowing how people would react about things I  shared, that I really didn't like about myself, but wanted to  change. I was relieved when people shook my hand and thanked me, especially after they shared their biases too. The most  amazing thing was, that for about 3 days after that meeting I  was able to walk around the streets of Los Angeles, in all  it's diversity, without the fear of different people I had carried all my life. I can remember feeling curious about  their lives and comfortable with our differences. As time went on my guarded posture came back. But not totally. For a few  days, though, I felt free and at ease with people in a way that I had never felt before. I realized that if we can't see  past the filters of our own biases, then we are doomed to  relationships with shadows-our own.