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About Kip Flock, MSW
Apex Resource Center was created to support people and organizations in change. In this era of escalating human flux, we must continuously heighten our effectiveness in managing the challenge of intensified contemporary demands on our emotional and interactive lives. ARC Services for Human Effectiveness aim to replenish the gap between the distress of what no longer works and the hope of what might be - what we must release and what we aspire to create. Kip Flock has created the Apex Resource Center in the spirit of an ongoing culmination of the most effective strategies for emotional competence and competent influence in the dawning of this new age of life long learning.
Life Coaching & Upcoming Events
A coach has the questions. You have the answers. As your coach, I'll help you discover how to deepen the learning and forward the action in your life, please call me for a complimentary telecoach session. Tel. 570- 743-1055.
I will be facilitating Sierra Tucson's Healing The Healer Clinical Training at Miraval Spa, Tucson, Arizona (Oct.21- Oct. 25, 2002) Phone: 800-842-4487 for information, also found at my website.
Kip Flock, LCSW, BCD Psychotherapist, Personal and Professional Coach - (570-743-1055) - P.O. Box 384, Hummels Wharf, PA 17831-0384 -
Next Newsletter
The Primary Pitfalls In Relationships |
Dear Friends!
A crucial skill for change is the ability to confront shame voices in our daily lives. Self doubt, self consciousness, confusion and hesitation will be reduced by challenging inner blocks that derail us from adaptation and fulfillment. The Four Steps For Breaking Shame Spirals will provide a vital tool for staying on your path towards a fully alive, fully expressed, satisfying life.
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How Confronting Shame Can Keep You On Track
At a recent training for professionals in England, I got feedback from participants and the workshop coordinators that what they liked the most was when I talked about how I get "stuck" and all the mistakes I've made. Even though I've been hearing similar appreciations for over 25 years as a public presenter, I'm still astounded by such statements. Yet the message is clear that my admission of fallibility gives me and those I serve permission to try new things- a freedom to mess around and learn without fear of being judged as incompetent.
At times during public talks I become distracted by feelings of self doubt. In those moments I talk openly about my fears in order to avoid a full blown shame spiral. In order for me to give myself permission to disclose my vulnerability publicly, I needed to confront my shame-the voice inside my head that wanted me to act like I never made a mistake. The voice presumed my incompetence while compensating for it. I had to go right at that voice inside while I was talking to people on the outside. I allowed my self to be open with others, while wanting to cover up, by telling that shame voice to back off. I presented my strengths in making my case inside to the shame voice, that I had made effective connections with previous public groups in the past. I challenged it's catastrophic fantasies of public humiliation before my obsession to look good catapulted me into a hopeless shame cascade. Without carrying the burden of an assumed deficiency in myself as a human being, I was free to play around with ideas and actions that could result in me looking foolish, but which delivered a gratifying outcome.
I can remember seeing a person I had met before- a positive acquaintance whose name I couldn't recall. My shame voice told me to avoid his gaze and pretend that I didn't see him. My assumption was that, if he found out I didn't remember his name I'd look foolish. Rather than miss the opportunity for a connection I confronted the voice inside my head with a past occasion of success in asking such a person to tell me his name. In doing so I was freed up to ask the present unnamed person about his name. I was pleasantly surprised that he was glad that I made a point to say hello, even though I didn't present myself as having a perfect memory.
I stayed on my track toward a fulfilling relationship by separating myself from a toxic shame voice- differentiating myself from a contemptuous inner voice that wanted to reject a person I liked. The following steps for breaking a shame spiral include a live self dialogue with shame about writing this news letter.
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4 Steps For Breaking A Shame Spiral
1. NAME THE SHAME AS A VOICE INSIDE YOUR HEAD- Be aware of shameful experiences when they hit you. The sooner the better. Most of the time we feel the body sensations first, followed by obsessions, like you can't seem to get something off your mind. LIVE EXAMPLE OF THE SHAMEFUL EXPERIENCE AND NAMING THE SHAME VOICE: I'm feeling some discomfort in my upper back and shoulders as I discuss my own shame with you on the internet. I feel some fear in my neck that I'll be ignored and judged as insignificant. I ask myself the point of writing about shame in a newsletter and imagine that you only want to read happy things. I think about more positive subjects to write about- apologizing, rationalizing, and excusing myself for putting you through this and failing to communicate effectively. KIP SPEAKING TO THE SHAME VOICE: "I know that you are a shame voice and I will not let you hurt me or stop me."
2. IMAGINE THE SHAME VOICE OUT IN FRONT OF YOU AS IT SPEAKS TO YOU IN THE FORM OF A "YOU" STATEMENT-visualize the voice 8 feet in front of you, a presence that is different than who you are. See it's size, shape and color. Let the voice speak to you as though a separate person would. Let the voice do to you, out in the open, what it is doing, covertly, inside your head. SHAME VOICE SPEAKING TO KIP: "You are going to be ridiculed endlessly for this newsletter. If anyone does read it, they'll delete it and opt out. Your are not scholarly enough anyway. Plato is turning over in his grave. You are only setting yourself up for rejecting emails. Delete this and write something safer, at least more neutral. Better yet, give up writing this newsletter totally.
3. CONFRONT THE SHAME VOICE WITH CONCRETE, SPECIFIC EXAMPLES, THAT YOU'VE PREVIOUSLY DONE SUCCESSFULLY, THAT OPPOSE IT'S NEGATIVE CONCLUSIONS ABOUT YOU-draw the line in the sand, remind the voice of times that you did something similar where you won out. Be specific, times, places, people. As many successful incidents as possible. Cross examine the voice with undeniable facts from your own experience. KIP TO THE SHAME VOICE: "I won't let you scare me. I remember when Cliff told me on Sept. 14 at a training in Ipswich, England that he got a lot out of the last news letter on how to recognize shame. He was standing with me in the front of the large conference room in Belstead House at 2:10 PM, facing the window that looks out on the gardens. So get away from me. I choose not to listen to you. I will finish this newsletter as planned and as I have done 3 other times before.
4. GET A FRIEND TO CELEBRATE YOUR "WIN" BY TELLING YOU EXACTLY WHAT YOUR STRENGTHS ARE IN THE CONFRONTATION- ask someone to repeat your account of success in disrupting the shame voice. Ask a friend to pat you on the back for your courage and quote you on statements that were effective in your triumph against toxic shame. KIP TO YOU: "Would someone email me with a reflection of something that I did successfully in breaking my decent into a shame spiral" |
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